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Israel Unleashed: The very best metal and rock from the holy land

29/09/10  ||  InquisitorGeneralis

It is only fitting that I am writing this review on a midweek day off from my job as a teacher. Why the free day you ask? It is Rosh Hashanah and there is a huge Jewish population here in the Baltimore area, hence us goyim who work in the public school system get the day off while the chosen people sit in temple all day long. Aces! This is a perfect day to cover “Israel Unleashed”, an extensive compilation of all kinds of metal (some good, most awful) from that peaceful Mediterranean paradise. It is no surprise that Israel is a hotbed of heavy metal activity. Sixty years of constant conflict and turmoil with your neighbor nations who want to wipe you off the map will do that to a people. The history of the Jewish people before the founding of modern Israel is not so goddamn rosy either.

Roll out the golden calf, warm up the plagues, and put on yer skullcaps ‘cause it time to get biblical on some motherfuckers. Don’t believe me? Scope out the cover, those guitars have stars of mutherfucken David on them. You know when that happens it is time to rock out like it’s your thirteenth birthday all over again.

Abed: “The coming of soon.”: Uh oh, soon is coming…like right fucken now. Actually something awful is coming. Abed sounds like Suicide Silence mixed with Opeth. The folk influences on here bring things down to Dead Sea level. And Deathcore blows except for a few rare exceptions. Not a good start. What they were going for: Progressive folk-metal combined with emo-jeans slamcore. What they achieved: The level of suckiness you would expect from that combination. 1/10

Noble Brats: “The Offer”: More folky shit, but this time it is not as terrible. I get some Soundgarden vibes here which is a good thing. Actually, “The offer” is much better during the slow sections. However. the Brats lose me when they start screaming and growling. Stick with the grunge style fellas, leave metal to the big boys. Are they better than Abed: Yes, but so is the sound of Altmer felching in the morning. Will I ever listen to them again?: Absolutely not, “The offer” is fucking declined. 3/10

Distorted: “Redemption”: Yes, finally we have some death metal! Down-tuned riffs, doublebass, cookie monster vocals, “Redemption” is at hand! Praise Satan! Baphomet comes….OOOHHHH FUCK NO…CLEAN FEMALE VOCALS! Just when you think that Israel is finally ready to serve up some real metal, some awful clean female vocals kick in and this song goes to hell. Distorted must have been listening to some our very own Project Paramore MCXXCM. Lord K’s pet project is passable. This shit is not. What I was hoping for: Something that didn’t suck. What I got?: Generic death metal combined with Amy Lee wanna-be vocals, or as I call it “suckage”… or Lacuna Coil. 2/10

Selfish: “Seven percent mind usage”: Another absolute stinker that starts off sounding like a bad Converge cover band with a singer trying to sound like Luc from Gorguts. Then, you guessed it, some terrible clean vocals come in to make the shitfest complete. Let me clear this up, Luc sounds awesome. Anyone trying to sing like him will sound terrible. Oh, and the music sucks too. I am beginning to think that along with military service it is also mandatory in Israel to have painfully bad clean vocals in every metal song. Oy vey, this is not good. What they were going for: Metal/mathcore with emo vocals. What more do you need to hear?: Nothing, this song and band are really, really terrible. 1/10

Crossfire: “Heartbreaker”: Could things get any worse after four consecutive bombs? Oh hell yes they can! Crossfire plays 80’s hair metal and sleaze rock mixed with power-sounding keyboards. That’s right, think Poison mixed with Dream Theater. This is the worst combination since the Nazi-Soviet Non-Aggression pact of 1939. What the Jews used to use to tear down walls: A sacred trumpet and the Ark of the Covenant What they can use now: A big boom box with this song playing on repeat. No city could stand up to it. 1/10

Behind the Sun: “Sour days”: Normally, I instantly call this a Days of the New grunge-rock knock-off. But, seeing as my anus is torn and shredded from the first five penetrations off of this comp I am willing to give this song a shot. Surprisingly, “Sour days” is not bad. Obviously, Behind the Sun listened to alot of 90’s rock and that is pretty much what you get on here until things take a more metal turn at the end with a decent rock out. This is actually some catchy shit and might be worth checking out. Seriously though, are there any bands in Israel that don’t try to mush together multiple genres in one song? What my heart tells me: There might be hope for Israel after all What my cock tells me: Normally, I would not like hard rock/folk metal fusion. Not at all. 6/10

Manga: “My secret truth”: Wow, Manga owe Evanescence some royalty cash. Big-time. This is female fronted, radio friendly, and decidedly terrible hard rock that Lord K might like. But certainly not me. Right back in the shitter we are. Bupkes deluxe. What year does Manga think it is?: 2003, when shit like this ruled the airwaves What year does this make want to go to?: 1003, when shit like this would be a cause for painful execution. 2/10

Jet Sam: “The Days”: A riddle for you. What do you get when you mix a very bad System of a Down song, a little Nickleback just for that sweet cock taste, and some 100% pure pussy? “The Days” by Jet Sam, a song as metal as “Copa Cabana” by Barry Manilow. This makes Godsmack look like God Dethroned. Piss poor as piss poor gets. What I’m dying for: metal, please some fucking metal for the love of Yahweh METAL!!! What I’m getting: Sad, disappointed, and close to breaking this fucking piece of shit CD in half. 2/10

Xenolith: “Desolated spirits”: Just when I thought “Israel’s Fly Unzipped” was done, Xenolith arrives like a gigantic flaming dreidel from hell to finally deliver something good. Just like the rest of their countrymen, Xenolith can’t stick to one style but in this case it actually works; black metal vocals overtop of some moderately technical, slightly melodic, kinda of thrashy death metal with an old-school production. “Desolated spirits” is a bit too long but the heavy sections and excellent dark and gloomy riffs make up for the inflated length. The extended guitar solo is Yngwie cheesy… which means it rules. Xenolith is genuinely good shit and certainly worth investigating. Hail Satan, finally something on here worth a damn. What I’m happy about: Finally finding some kickass, quality death metal What I’m worried about: Not finding any more… 9/10

Desert”: “The desert”: What goes up, must come down. Not surprisingly the best song yet is followed by not just the worst song on this comp, but one of the worst songs I have ever fucking heard in my life. Desert can only be described as a mixture of Power and Goth metal (yeah, really) with a fucking harpsichord tossed in the gay orgy for good measure. Desert really, really suck donkey dick… hard. What could possibly be gayer than this?: Elton John and Liberace redecorating ex-staffer Smalley’s dorm room for a Tupperware party Oh wait…: This is even gayer. One of the worst tunes ever recorded -10/10

Epidemic: “Six years old”: Anything would sound good to me after Desert. Anything. Actually, Epidemic is ok. “Six years old” (also known as “The age Daemo likes ‘em”… zing!) starts off with a Prong/Pro-Pain meets Entombed kind of vibe which is cool. The death vocals (remember, no one in Israel can stick to one style) are weak though. The singer should stick with the more hardcore, melodic ones. Not bad though, me likes. What they were up against: A ton of preceding shitty songs How they did: Not bad, there might be hope for a pandemic for Epidemic 7/10

Mens Rea: “Abandoned”: Obviously, Mens Rea and Desert have met before in the same Tel Aviv bath-house. What wrong with these people? Israel has whipped every Arab nation’s monkey ass for trying to fuck with them yet, except for few exceptions, make totally castrated, whiny and/or pretentious rock (I won’t call this metal) music. Men’s Diarrhea combines somber radio-rock with progtastic vocals for a bowel shaking combo that almost is a terrible as Desert. Almost. What this makes me want to do: Dropkick my grandmother What I’m actually going to do: Bang Daemonomania’s 1/10

The final three songs on here make up a triumvirate of terribleness so powerful that is defies common logic and sense, much like the Balfour Declaration. Xamavar pump out more painful female-fronted radio rock with “Blind Still Trill”. This time with some industrial and techno elements are mixed in as well. Owch. Vultures foul up the joint with “Easy does it”, another smoldering turd that stinks of hair metal and sleaze r©ock. But, boy oh boy, do the Jerry’s Kids in Imblizze take “Israel Unleashed” out on a brown note with “Nighty nighty”; a nine-minute long techo abortion that sounds like bad Nine Inch Nails mixed with Lady Gaga. These final three butt nuggets get a collective 0/10 because they all suck copious amounts of long, veiny, spermy, uncircumcised cock. Praise Yahweh, this is finally over. Never again!

Back to reality. Check out Xenolith, they fucking rule. As for everything else except for Behind the Sun and Epidemic? Well, let’s just say it could use a little tip snippin’ if you get my drift. Oh, and check out Desert’s MySpace link too just so you can laugh at how stupid they look and how totally terrible their tunes are. Honestly, this is a shitty, shitty compilation full of bands with major crises in the identity and sexual orientations departments; too many power elements, too many awful clean vocals, and too many genre mixes that just simply don’t work. While the New Canaan may succeed at defending its borders and keeping a lid on those pesky Palestinians, its heavy music leaves much to be desired. Israel, you fail.

  • Tracklist
  • 01. Abed: The Coming of Soon
  • 02. You know the rest jerk-off, go back and look at the reviews…

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